Ankle bracelet...

I'll tell you about the ankle bracelet in a minute but first there's a few items I need to clear up.

1-If any Queenslander ever goes on about how great the weather is up here tell 'em they're dreamin'. Up until Townsville the weather has been crap all the way down the coast. Which is a tad disappointing when you come north in the belief there's paradise awaiting and it's their bloody dry season.

2-We just worked out why there seem to be less people to talk to...it's because heaps of 'em are from overseas, (mainly Dutch and German) and they don't get the rules. And those rules are:

-always say good morning in the dunny block even if you have a mouth full of toothpaste

-always say gidday no matter who it is, (except if you know they're German or Dutch)

-always talk to the guy next door even if he only wants to tell you about his bloody turbo charged diesel that gets 14.94 litres per 100 kilometres and that's better than the guy he talked to at the last caravan park who only gets 17.6 and he paid $107,000 for his series 200 Toyota bloody Landcruiser and my guy picked up a bargain and only paid $35,000 for his series 100 Toyota bloody Landcruiser.

3-If you ever see photos of blue skies, white sand and blue water...that only happens in brochures. It doesn't happen pretty much anywhere north of Townsville, (or not this dry season anyway). There's bloody mud flats, brown water, mangroves, crocodiles...midges, (jeez I love midges).

Anyway, on with the prattle. We are currently at Airlie Beach but let's clean up some of the stuff that's happened before now.

From Karumba we went to Mount Suprise and visited the lava tubes...you gotta do this if you ever get a chance, they are amazing. Then on to the Atherton Tableland which is just great country. Some places remind you of Tassie. Saw all sorts of stuff around Atherton, Mareeba etc, terrific.

Next, Cooktown which is terrific, blows like a bugger, but it's really interesting what with the old captain fixing his boat here.

Almost forgot, Cooktown also has the most bad tempered fish and chip shop owner in the world, (almost like the soup Nazi out of Kramer only grumpier).

We were waiting for our order and a young female backpacker, (probably an Ozzie) came in. There's a sign on the counter that says "all produce is local"...so the poor innocent backpacker for reasons best known to herself asked if the calamari was local.

Mrs Grumparse replied, "No, it's from New Zealand but it's crumbed here". The young backpacker quickly ordered and waited outside until her order was ready. Mally had a kind word to her as we left, we think she was in shock as a result of the verbal attack.

From Cooktown, we went down to Cape Tribulation along the dirt road, crossing the Bloomfield River along the way and having a beer at the Lion's Den tin shed pub on the way back. Fantastic, unspoilt rainforest country...bloody lovely.

Next down to Wonga Beach which is above Mossman and the beginning of sugar cane country...(Christ there's a lot of sugar cane and Italian names in the area).

Did a day trip back up to Cape Tribulation, another on the Daintree River, (more crocs) and had a pretty good look around.

But best of all we met a lady with an ankle bracelet.

Her name was Lois and her husband's name was John, (John's father was a famous war artist, can't remember his name).

Anyway, when we first met Lois I spotted that she had an ankle bracelet and I just couldn't take my eyes off that bracelet. The reason was that right next to the ankle bracelet was a nipple...Lois is 76...so good on her for wearing an ankle bracelet.

Went down to Port Douglas on Sunday for the all you can eat brekky on the marina as well as the market.

On to Cairns which has a most magical backdrop of hills and rain forest. Not much to report about Cairns except that it has a terrific boardwalk which has a huge swimming pool that looks like it stretches into the ocean beyond...seems odd in a way, all that water out there and you have to swim in a pool.

(We went back to Port Douglas from Cairns the following Sunday to catch up with Heidi and Gary (who Mally knows from the tennis club, Gary is the nice one) as well as their friends. Lovely lunch on the balcony of their apartment overlooking the water, (they were staying in a luxury apartment, we went home to a caravan).

Also met the guy in the van next to us, he and his wife come up from Tassie every year and stay in the same site for 4 months. They do the water aerobics on Wednesday and Saturday mornings as well as the line dancing, (all organised by the caravan park). (I was joking about the line dancing but I think they did have other activities not dissimilar).

Next we stayed at Kurrimine Beach where the weather was probably the worst. But still, there was heaps to do and see including going back up onto the Atherton tableland to see more of the fantastic countryside as well as Mission Beach.

Probably the highlight was going to Paronella. This Spanish guy, (Mr Paronella) built nearly all of it by himself in the early 1900's. Something else you've got to see if you ever make it up this way. It was like I would imagine Ankor Wat would look like, ruins being taken over by the rain forest only this was a series of small castle turrets, hydro electric scheme and incredible gardens.

Another highlight, (if only for a night), was meeting Derek and Chalice, (yes, as in the thing you drink out of). Ex Rhodesians who live in Ferntree Gully. We'll catch up with them when we get back so we can talk some more about the final solution to the black situation both here and in Zimbabwe.

Townsville is an interesting place, it's the biggest city in Queensland, (outside of Brisbane) with over 200,000 people and it doesn't have a Myer, (Marilyn almost went spare). Plus, while it's a lovely looking place, has a beautiful strand on the beachfront...it doesn't have any dress shops in the CBD, (so you can imagine we didn't stay in Townsville very long).

Next we were Goin' to Bowen... and what a beautiful coast line they have, (helped a lot by sunshine).

So now back to the beginning...Airlie Beach. Great place, heaps of young Swedish nymphets for me, (not sure what Mally's doing).

Naah, just jokin', but it is party town for heaps of backpackers. Been on an all day cruise out to Hook Island, Whitehaven Beach and Daydream Island...and guess what. We went in a helicopter over the islands and the helicopter had no bloody doors, (amazing what those pills can do), Mally is the brave one. It was terrific.

We leave tomorrow to catch up with Robbie, (that's Barb's son. Barb's my middle sister and Robbie is Barb's youngest. She also has Karl who is in Abu Dhabi and Simon who is in Warrnambool), and Robbies new wife Suzy, (she's from New Zealand so an assessment will be posted after we meet her).

So in summary...

-weather is improving as we approach Victoria

-midges are a pain in the freckle

-and we're havin' a nice old time, (even if it doesn't sound like it)

IMPORTANT NOTICE:

Glenda is a grandmother. Molly Grace James. Congratulations Glen on all your good work.

Gazuntight to all those Dutch and Germans out there and gidday to everyone who speaks English.

Say hello to the person you're standing next to, (or lying next to if you're in bed). Every little salutation helps make this a better world.

Goodbye to Kevin 07 and Guillotine Gillard, may your stay in opposition be long and longer).

(I made a joke up...Kevin Rudd had his gall bladder out so that he would no longer have that galling feeling after being knifed, (but then again, Julie could have removed it while she was knifing him in the back).

Apologies to all those comrades and true believers, these are my sentiments, based on a fear that our children will pay the legacy for totally inept and inward looking leadership. (Written and spoken by Peter Ward, Caravan Park, Airlie Beach)

So, time to go.

Cuddle up, turn out the lights and don't let the bed bugs bite...the bloody midges will do a good enough job on their own.

(Reminder to me to tell you about Bob and Janice from Sorrento, Perth and the couple next to us who are from hell).